Wednesday, June 27, 2012

"Bulletproofing" green tea? Why yes, I will, and, lo and behold, it's freaking delicious

For reasons that relate more to extreme deliciousness and an inability to steadfastly resist the notion that if X number of something is good, 5X must be better -- rather than, say, any actual *need* for that much caffeine -- my coffee intake has reached levels that the Descendents might envy. If you are not hip to the Descendents, all you need is 36 seconds to fix that:

Anyway, my stomach has recently cried, "Foul," "Hey now!" and, in a Philly accent that would make linguists cringe, "Yo, wha'da *fuck*!?"

I kinda had to listen to that last one. It meant business.

So I put away the big coffeemaker. Its siren song calls out to me too loudly over the course of a day. Instead, I got out the low-acid Aeropress, and vowed to begin each day with a three-shot Americano that I would then "bulletproof" by adding unsalted grassfed butter and coconut oil. After that, no coffee. Tea would be cool. Green tea is full of antioxidants that form a hippie drum circle in your body and chant "Kumbaya" rhythmically to keep away the bad juju. Or something like that.

So, I thought, green tea might get me through each day after that one remaining Americano, do nice things for me and generally let the old upper digestive system heal its bad self for a bit (oh, I am sure the heavier-intake coffee will be back someday).

The problem is, for me anyway, green tea is boring. It tastes like hot water into which someone has thrown exactly three blades of grass or, alternatively, hot water into which a single green Crayola crayon has been dipped -- that is to say .... the flavor equivalent of the noise that this guy made when he did this at regular speed:

Then, I thought to myself.... "Self, why has your morning coffee tasted recently like the java equivalent of the first three Clash albums making sweet sweet love to Exile on Main Street?" And Self answered, "Bulletproofing, duuuuude!"

Self is almost always right, especially when he accents with a "dude" or two (and provides a hyperlink).

And then, stepping outside the bounds of self (in, really, an almost Zen-like way, I tell ya), I wondered what it would taste like if I "bulletproofed" green tea.

I was skeptical. In fact, keeping in mind past mistakes, I assumed I would thereafter be working on a blog post entitled Don't Do This (Volume 2), a.k.a. Taking Another One for the Team.

It was delicious. It was, as the title already lets you know, freaking delicious. Butter (unsalted! grassfed!) and coconut oil turn green tea from the beverage equivalent of some tepid James Taylor nonsense into damn-near close to this:

That is to say, it kicks my ass every time. For the win, kids. For. The. Win.

I may survive this coffee reduction better than I thought.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


  1. "Instead, I got out the low-acid Aeropress, and vowed to begin each day with a three-shot Americano that I would then "bulletproof" by adding unsalted grassfed butter and coconut oil." - really surprising that a hardcore drummer like you would like Americano with butter and coconut oil.

  2. I drink coffee black the rest of the time, but that "bulletproofing" routine is great in the morning.

  3. And I should make clear.... I am back on (reasonable) amounts of coffee. The green-tea thing was a good sub for when my stomach was bugging me, but not a long-term strategy.